How to Set New Year’s Resolutions You Don’t Hate

New Year, New Boo

New Year’s resolutions are polarizing.

In a very unscientific poll of my Instagram followers, I asked folks whether they set resolutions and, if not, why not. Of the 60 respondents (small sample size alert), 71% said they did not set resolutions. When I probed why they did not set resolutions, respondents fell into one of two camps. Camp 1 thought New Year’s resolutions were too easy to fail at. Camp 2 thought New Year’s resolutions were useless because if you’re doing life right, you should be setting goals for yourself every day. That struck me as a bit judgy, but hey, to thine own self be true, right?

Owning my bias, I personally related more to Camp 1. I didn’t actually start my New Year’s rituals until about 8-9 years ago. And the thing that held be back most before that point was a belief that NYRs are guaranteed to fail.

New Year’s Resolutions: A Faulty Premise?

The old adage ‘New Year, New You’ has never sat well with me. It seems to imply that I need to become a new version of myself in order to be okay, or that something is wrong with the way that I am. Advertising and media place a premium on transformation— lose weight, go to the gym, become a reader, become a person who has hobbies, and become good at something.

So whenever I tried NYRs in my 20s, I failed. Go to the gym 3x a week; fail. Read more; fail. Fail, fail, fail. In my 20s, New Year’s resolutions were about fixing what was “wrong” with me. My “why” was other-focused. Could I be liked more? Could I be accepted more if I looked better? Would I be chosen more if I performed differently? I held the belief that I had to be different to be loved. In that way, my resolutions weren’t about growth, or celebration, they were about shame.

Fast forward through many years of self-discovery, spirituality, and wellness journey, and my “why” for resolutions is completely different.

““I held the belief that I had to be different to be loved. In that way, my resolutions weren’t about growth, or celebration, they were about shame.””

My Why

My "why” today is about curiosity, generosity, and the reduction of suffering. It’s not about what other people think. It is about what I think, need, feel, and desire.

You’re probably wondering how I ended up here. Short answer: therapy and coaching are powerful tools for personal development. Nowadays, I view the New Year (and birthdays!) like the end of a book. Often, when I end a really kick-ass novel, I’m left wondering about the characters for weeks. How do their lives go forward, did they resolve XYZ, do they find fulfillment, etc. When I reframed my mindset around NYRs to this end-of-a-novel view, I cultivated the ability to apply that same curiosity about myself.

And let me tell you, learning to be curious about myself was one of the top 5 game-changers in my life. Seeing the New Year as an invitation to curiosity led me to create rituals of reflection and introspection from a place of love, not shame.

And…also… I still just don’t really vibe with “goals” or “resolutions.”

If Not Resolutions, Then What?

Great question, dear reader. INTENTIONS. I do New Year’s Intentions. If your next question is, ‘What’s the difference between resolutions and intentions,’ you’re in luck; I googled it!

• Resolution: A firm decision to do or not to do something. (Mr. Google, after Oxford English Dictionary)

• Intention: A thing intended; an aim or plan. (Dr. Google, after Oxford English Dictionary)

Some folks are driven by hard, resolute goals, and I love that journey for them. For me, and for many, setting a hard and fast goal is a recipe for discouragement and failure. If I resolve to go to the gym 3x per week in 2024, I only need to miss one week to have failed the goal for the entire year. Intentions, on the other hand, leave space for exploration and creativity. If I intend to explore my relationship to health, whether I succeed or “fail” depends only on the quality of my exploration. It allows me to investigate multiple pathways to my health, and it gets to the root of the need expressed by the resolution. Treat the cause, not the symptom, right?

Problems Not Solutions

If you’re wondering how to measure success, that’s easy. All the years I worked in digital strategy, I would constantly tell colleagues in other departments: please bring me your problems, not your solutions. When I set an intention for the year, I am aiming to explore some topic in my life— not to guess what a solution could be. I’m tying myself to a process, not an outcome. Because frankly, we very rarely know the depth of the issue or the right solution at first guess. This approach allows me the grace and the latitude to lean into what I discover. If I like something more, I go down the rabbit hole. If something resonates less, I drop it without shame or judgment.

How Do I Measure Success?

As I mentioned above, my “why” for New Year’s intentions is curiosity, generosity, and the reduction of suffering. I measure success by the quality of my exploration. Did I explore my intentions in earnest? I have succeeded. Was I curious about myself? Success. Was I generous with my exploration? Success. Did I reduce any suffering in myself? Success.

My Process

My New Year’s intention-setting process begins with generosity. Each year around this time, I gift myself the time of focused reflection to sit in non-judgmental curiosity about what comes up. What feels crunchy in my life? Do I have any needs or longings? What isn't working? What’s out of alignment?

Through journaling, meditation, and reflection, I come up with a list of life areas I intend to explore in the coming year. TBH, I almost always need to cull the list to an actionable number of intentions. I’m just not motivated by hustle culture anymore— in work or in life.

Armed with my list of intentions, I brainstorm actions or activities that align with them. I don’t do all the things on my list; it serves options that support my intention to explore a topic. For example, if I intend to learn more about other cultures, I might list read XYZ books written by diverse authors, travel to a new country, learn new recipes, or watch XYZ documentaries about different cultures. I don’t have to do all of them, but I start with one or two and see where curiosity takes me.

What happens if, for some reason, I am not able to explore an intention at all? That’s cool, girl. It’s much more likely that I made my list too long than I’m a [INSERT NEGATIVE ADJECTIVE OF YOUR CHOICE] person. Keep it pushing. Try again next year.

Tl;Dr

New Year’s resolutions are divisive for a reason. They can bring up BIG feelings of inadequacy, not-enough-ness, or failure. Boo. But if we aren’t growing and changing, that can be an even bigger problem. Don’t throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater when you can find a yearly ritual of self-reflection and exploration that makes you feel good. For me, that’s New Year’s intentions.

• Not everyone benefits from high-pressure, goal-driven personal development

• Intentions can allow you grace, creativity, and direction in your yearly self-reflection ritual

• If you’re curious about my 2024 New Year’s intentions, thank you! I’ll update the blog after my reflection period

• If you’re curious about how 1:1 alignment coaching can support you as you reflect and set intentions, smash the button below
  

May you be well,

S