We’re NOT Family: How to Break Free From Your Pattern of Toxic Work Environments

I once worked for a company that had “family” painted on the wall in big letters. It touted family as a core value. I quickly learned two things. Number one, we had very different definitions of family. Number two, a family ethos in the workplace quickly creates a toxic work environment.

The Illusion of the Work Family

We’ve all since the classic cinematic trope of the healthy, loving family. They love each other unconditionally, leave space for everyone to express their individuality, are loyal through and through, and genuinely care for the growth and wellbeing of everyone.

Some of us are fortunate enough to have grown up in a family like this. Many more of us were not so lucky. Whichever side of the family of origin coin toss you landed on, the ethos and values of a healthy family are desirable. Sometimes so alluring, we might seek out these dynamics in the workplace.

The “Work Family” became popular in the 2010s, and appealed heavily to those seeking working belonging and culture fit. It’s an intoxicating idea on paper, but your boss acting like your parent or being asked for unflinching loyalty to a company that would fire you in a heartbeat to deliver shareholder value sobers.

So can an organization in a capitalist market ever actually provide unconditional love, loyalty, care, and support? No.

So why do so many companies—even today, in 2024— keep describing their organizational culture as a family?

The answer is a tough pill to swallow.

It’s manipulation.

Blurry Professional Boundaries

The family metaphor in the workplace makes it difficult to create and maintain healthy professional boundaries. When loyalty is coopted to coerce an employee into longer work hours, working on vacation, or dialing from family events, you start to see the problem.

One personal example that comes to mind is a company Slack channel that encouraged people to share the goings on in their personal lives, which was then used by leadership to punish or chastise employees for not working hard, fast, or dedicated enough.

Oversharing is not the only unhealthy dynamic encouraged by “work-family” organizational cultures. Think, too, of all the messy, real aspects of family. Those bleed into the work culture, too.

Favoritism, reluctance to give feedback, avoidance of conflict, and sweeping inconvenient truths under the rug will ring a bell if you’ve ever worked in this type of toxic work culture. Burnout is common in these organizations, as difficulty saying no and pressure to take on extra labor for the good of the family abound here.

This toxic work culture benefits companies to the detriment of employees. You might be high on the love bombing and rah-rah of your onboarding week. But sooner or later, it is you who pays the price.

“You might be high on the love bombing and rah-rah of your onboarding week. But sooner or later, it is you who pays the price.”

Toxic Workplace Patterns

Just like unhealthy family dynamics can be passed down, there is a similar contagion effect for many who have experienced a toxic job culture. Those who have escaped a “family” or other type of toxic work environment often find themselves in another toxic place in subsequent roles. That is not likely the goal, but folks can find themselves in a pattern of toxic jobs.

After finally escaping a corporate culture like this, many people seek out green pastures in their next roles. But, paradoxically, the longer you stay in a toxic environment, the more likely you are to find yourself in toxic environments later on. Fully owning that this is an educated hypothesis based on years of personal experience, and the experiences of my coaching clients—not any citable study. (If you find one, let me know!!)

Why? The longer you stay in, the more acclimatized you become. The more strategies and coping mechanisms for surviving in the toxic muck you develop. And this can make it harder to recognize the red flags that often abound during interviews. It can also make you slower to recognize when you’re in a new toxic situation before taking action.

So how can you break this pattern and finally find a healthy work environment to thrive in?

How to Avoid a Toxic Work Environment

It is possible to stop the pattern and find a workplace that you can thrive in. It’s just going to take a little bit of work; work that is well worth it.

Before diving into the work, you’ll need a few things in your backpack: self-compassion, self-acceptance, and non-judgmentalness. If these are things that are difficult for you, that’s ok. Do your best, or, hell, pretend.

Armed with those three helpers, let’s begin. Here are my top five practices to recover from a pattern of toxic workplaces:

1. Non-judgmental personal inventory: Take a long look at the pattern and the role you play in it. Don’t judge yourself. It should be like a boring list. The sky is blue, grass is green, my boss crosses my boundaries and takes credit for my work, I don’t speak up about this, I’m afraid of losing my job.

2. Self-compassionate care: This is about recognizing that you have suffered. You have been in survival mode at the least and in active abuse on the other end of that spectrum. Recognizing how you have suffered and truly processing this is an act of compassion.

3. Make a list of what needs to change. This will include any part you play in the dynamic that you’d like to change, as well as a list of the ideal attributes you are looking for in your next workplace. Think of it like a pro and con list, where you write down the status quo on the left, and the desired transformation on the right.

4. Take this list with you into your interviews and job hunt. Does the job posting sound more like column A or column B? When you have interviews, ask questions that help you learn what side the company falls on.

5. Take aligned action: Before accepting any position, ask yourself whether it would bring you closer to column A or Column B. Be honest and trust your gut. And then walk confidently in the direction of opportunities that align with your wellness.

You got this.