The Courage To Ask
Big, Bold Questions
I’m feeling called to pose two big, bold questions to you.
What ails you?
What do you need to be well?
Versions of these two questions make their way into my work weekly, if not daily. We live in a society that prioritizes doing over feeling. To succeed in life, many of us are called to become over-identified with the dogma of doing. When productivity is our highest ideal, it’s difficult for many to openly explore feelings and needs without repercussion. I see folks fall into the paradox of performance all the time— the counterintuitive idea that says more doing is the antidote to burnout caused by doing too much. We can sense that the plates cannot keep spinning, yet we spin more plates.
So if you think the two questions I’m asking you aren’t so big or so bold, consider the revolution that could occur if all humans—across the gender spectrum— placed equal weight on how they feel and what they do. Questions that get to the nature of what is hurting you or what you need to be well are transgressive in that they buck societal pressure to view feelings as feminine and feminine as weakness. These questions are the antithesis of the doing dogma; they call us inside to address what’s tender before we can return to the world whole again.
“Questions that get to the nature of what is hurting you inside are transgressive in that they buck societal pressure to view feelings as feminine and feminine as weakness.”
Asking These Questions Changed My Life
Before I began asking these questions, I also viewed them as indulgent and weak. I have compassion for the earlier version of myself that held those beliefs. In my life and career, I fell into that trap of denying my feelings and focusing on doing. For many years of my career, I would tolerate toxic environments or work that felt icky because that’s just what it took to climb the ladder. When challenges arose, I would twice as hard, twice as long. Take more training, add more polish, dig into difficult conversations, do, do, do. Slowing down, and asking what I felt and what I needed to be well was not an option that had ever occurred to me.
When I learned to ask these questions, to allow the answer, and to do what I needed to care for myself, it was like glass shattering. I began to see how avoiding my feelings in favor of getting shit done was a way of being taught to me— and that I could teach myself another way. The dogma of doing I started to see which situations were and were not workable for me, advocated for my wellbeing. I started prioritizing myself, and prioritizing building a life of fulfillment and purpose.
Ask and Answer
What would it look like to slow down today, and ask yourself what ails you? Ask yourself what you need to be well? What could it look like to quietly allow any answers to arise, without judgement or fear?
