Saying No

One night when out to dinner with a friend, I realized a pretty big difference in how we approach a menu. It was a chain-type restaurant with a menu as long as a CVS receipt. Despite the size of the menu, I decided what to order in under two minutes. My friend, on the other hand, took over 20 minutes to decide on what to order. She sent the waiter away three times and looked physically pained making a selection. For her, making a decision meant saying no to all the other possibilities on the menu. What if she missed out? What if she made the wrong choice?

Scientists estimate that people make about 35,000 decisions every day. But for anyone who struggles with indecision, people pleasing, or boundaries, saying no can seem impossible. Whether caused by FOMO or a fear of letting people down, avoiding NOs can lead to suffering— for self and others.

So how can we learn to say no, to mean it, and to feel peaceful about it?

A True Yes

One of the best ways to learn how to say no is to learn what a true yes feels like in your body. A true yes is calm and clear. Or, if the prospect is an exciting one, a true yes can be exuberant and clear. The emphasis here is on clarity. There’s not a lot of resistance or rationalization. There is often a creative energy associated with a true yes— “How do I make this happen?”

A false yes feels very different. It may feel crunchy, anxiety-ridden, slow to come, or tentative. There’s hemming, there’s hawing, there’s resistance. A false yes is almost always accompanied by rationalization. For example, “I don’t want to, but what will people say if I don’t?” or “It won’t really be that bad, will it?” A false yes comes with a lot of internal friction, churning, and second-guessing.

If you haven’t guessed it already, a false yes is a true no.

How to Say No and Mean It

What if I told you that there is a way to become calmly decisive? A way to stop the churning of a false yes and settle into the ease of a true no? The good news is that it’s totally possible. The not-so-fun news is that it is going to take a little practice.

The answer, of course, dear reader, is alignment. ✨

When you become clear on what you value, your vision for the future, and your personal pesky passengers —those familiar thought patterns and beliefs that keep you stuck, you have all you need to identify your NOs, and handle any mental objections that may arise.

Because the truth is, we all have some form of limiting belief or internal saboteurs. It’s not a question of if a person has them, but of how good a person is at deactivating them before they get in the way.

Under all the mental spinning that comes with a false yes, there’s something our brains are trying to do for us. Like protect us, keep us in good standing, or help us avoid failure. That’s where limiting beliefs and rationalizations come in. “What will people think"?” is a great example. “I am not capable” is another. Limiting beliefs are like snowflakes— each one is similar to all the others but completely unique.

Entering Your No Era

When we get very clear on our aligned path, we can observe these pesky mental passengers, and then redirect our focus back to what’s right for us.

This happened to a client who often found themselves going from one toxic workplace to another. It’s not that they couldn’t see the flags, but that those pesky limiting beliefs would come in and rationalize the irrational. Once they got super clear on what they valued, what they needed to be well at work, and why the rationalization was occurring, they were able to break a years-long pattern of saying yes when they really meant HELL NO.

I see this all the time in the coaching space, actually. And it’s just one of the ways that alignment coaching changes lives.